Oleh the Plum Wishes He Had Been Born a Pineapple

Once upon a time, there was a plum named Oleh. He lived a quiet, boring life in a village in central Ukraine but had always hoped for more. Sure, it was sort of exciting to watch cars pass by from time to time. And if it was Tuesday afternoon, fist fights between drunken villagers were almost certain to take place. But...meh. Life sucked for Oleh the Plum.

"I  wish I had been born a pineapple. My life would have been so much more exciting," he said plaintively. Suddenly he heard a mysterious voice off in the distance. "Don't say that, Oleh. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side. You should appreciate your life as a village plum."

A plum with wings appeared. Oleh's mouth dropped open. "Oh my. Are you my guardian angel???"

"Yeah, something like that. I'm Ivan and I've come to show you what life would have been like if you had been born a pineapple. Take my hand. We've got places to go." With that, Oleh the Plum was whisked off to an alternative reality in which he had been born a pineapple.

"Oh wow! Where are we? Florida??? Are you telling me that if I had been born a pineapple I'd be living in Florida?" Oleh couldn't believe what he was seeing; the bright sun, a bunch of bright, optimistic party-goers, and crystal blue water.

"Yes. But don't forget that Florida gets all sorts of hurricanes and stuff," Ivan pointed out.

"Oh. That's not good. Would I have to deal with that kind of thing all the time?" asked Oleh.

"Nah. You'd be in Orlando, which never gets hit."

"So why would you even bring it up then?"

"Okay fine. But Orlando gets super hot. And the humidity is terrible."

"Right. But there are bodies of water. And Disney World. And air conditioning. So who cares?"

"Sometimes air conditioners break..." Ivan said grimly.

Oleh rolled his eyes. "I think I would manage. So what are you going to show me next?"

"We're going to an exclusive nightclub. So exclusive that they only allow beautiful fruits inside."

"Ouch. Am I an ugly pineapple who gets turned away from the door with a sneer?"

"Nope. Every time you show up, they immediately whisk you to the VIP room. In fact, the staff have been instructed to not serve anybody alcohol until you arrive. As everybody knows, the party doesn't truly start until Oleh the Pineapple makes an appearance."

"What the hell? If you're trying to convince me that my life is so much better as a plum, you're failing so far."

"Oh my!!! Look at what the pineapple version of you is doing right now!" Ivan points at Oleh the Pineapple who is ingesting some ecstasy pills.

"Whoa! Do I overdose and die terribly and tragically on the filthy bathroom floor of the nightclub while other patrons walk over my pineapple carcass with drunken indifference???"

"Nope. You have an awesome time, actually. You never do ecstasy again, but you don't have any regrets about giving it a try. By the way, the pineapple you is married to one of the most beautiful oranges in the world."

"Ivan, are you some kind of troll? Are you just trying to make me feel more miserable than I already do? You suck as a guardian angel."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, the pineapple version of me lives an even more amazing life than the pineapple you. Now let's go back to the village and watch some random fist fights. What do you think?"

Oleh agreed that it would be a pretty good idea.