Lidia Starts Her New Life

Once upon a time, there was a Ukrainian girl named Lidia. She would often tell her friends things like, "Someday you will knock on my door and I won't answer. When that happens, it means I've gone off to find happiness and will never return." Her friends had mixed feelings about that. On one hand, they wanted her to be happy. But on the other hand, they sort of liked how at the end of the day she would always be home since it meant they could use her Playstation 4. But anyway, this story is getting off topic.


According to Lidia's philosophy, the best parties are the ones that you can't remember the next day. If this is true, April 24th 2016 was the best day ever. It all started when Lidia went to a nightclub with some friends in the evening. She had a few drinks - okay, more than just a few - and she danced as if she were a contestant on a TV show. But she wasn't. She was at Club Metro and instead of an audience, there was just a bunch of weird drunk people. After a while, things got a bit hazy.

When Lidia woke up the next morning, she found herself laying on top of a floating sheet of ice in the middle of what she assumed must have been the Antarctic Ocean. She had no idea how she ended up there, and yet at the same time she wasn't entirely surprised. Lidia and the sheet of ice managed to reach land, and she spent the rest of the afternoon exploring. Once she found a suitable spot to settle, she built a little igloo for herself. She also managed to make an iPad out of ice, but then realized it would be useless since there wasn't a WiFi connection anywhere.

One day while staring at the mountains of snow (which was the only interesting activity in Antarctica) Lidia had a strange feeling like she was being watched...and then realized she was! Three penguins were hiding behind a large block of ice, but one of them blew their cover by sneezing. They waddled away the way penguins do and returned to their home to inform the other penguins about what they saw. They argued over what to do. Some of the penguins thought Lidia looked nice enough and thought they should invite her to their colony. Others were not so sure. So they decided to give Lidia a test known as the Fish of Friendship.

The three penguins returned to Lidia's igloo with a large, raw fish. As they sat in a circle, one of the penguins took a bite and then passed the fish off to Lidia. She was reluctant, but she knew she had to make a good impression. So she took a large bite and swallowed. The penguins let out a cheer and ushered her off to their colony.

Months passed and Lidia had fully immersed herself in penguin culture. She learned to walk, talk and swim like a penguin. She was also invited to sing at the Penguin Prince's wedding. But one day a helicopter was seen overhead. It was a rescue mission! A Special Operations Force exited the helicopter, tied Lidia up and off they flew. For good measure they launched a missile at her igloo and blew it up.

Lidia had great difficulty adjusting to life back in Khmelnytskyi. Her friends tried to make her feel at home by filling her bathtub with ice and tossing fish at her. But it wasn't the same. She missed the penguin life. One morning her friends knocked on her door, but there was no answer. "Oh my. It's really happened. Lidia is gone. She has found happiness." Her friends cried, feeling happy that she had found her way in life, but feeling sad because she still owed them $40.

Oleh the Plum Wishes He Had Been Born a Pineapple

Once upon a time, there was a plum named Oleh. He lived a quiet, boring life in a village in central Ukraine but had always hoped for more. Sure, it was sort of exciting to watch cars pass by from time to time. And if it was Tuesday afternoon, fist fights between drunken villagers were almost certain to take place. But...meh. Life sucked for Oleh the Plum.

"I  wish I had been born a pineapple. My life would have been so much more exciting," he said plaintively. Suddenly he heard a mysterious voice off in the distance. "Don't say that, Oleh. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side. You should appreciate your life as a village plum."

A plum with wings appeared. Oleh's mouth dropped open. "Oh my. Are you my guardian angel???"

"Yeah, something like that. I'm Ivan and I've come to show you what life would have been like if you had been born a pineapple. Take my hand. We've got places to go." With that, Oleh the Plum was whisked off to an alternative reality in which he had been born a pineapple.

"Oh wow! Where are we? Florida??? Are you telling me that if I had been born a pineapple I'd be living in Florida?" Oleh couldn't believe what he was seeing; the bright sun, a bunch of bright, optimistic party-goers, and crystal blue water.

"Yes. But don't forget that Florida gets all sorts of hurricanes and stuff," Ivan pointed out.

"Oh. That's not good. Would I have to deal with that kind of thing all the time?" asked Oleh.

"Nah. You'd be in Orlando, which never gets hit."

"So why would you even bring it up then?"

"Okay fine. But Orlando gets super hot. And the humidity is terrible."

"Right. But there are bodies of water. And Disney World. And air conditioning. So who cares?"

"Sometimes air conditioners break..." Ivan said grimly.

Oleh rolled his eyes. "I think I would manage. So what are you going to show me next?"

"We're going to an exclusive nightclub. So exclusive that they only allow beautiful fruits inside."

"Ouch. Am I an ugly pineapple who gets turned away from the door with a sneer?"

"Nope. Every time you show up, they immediately whisk you to the VIP room. In fact, the staff have been instructed to not serve anybody alcohol until you arrive. As everybody knows, the party doesn't truly start until Oleh the Pineapple makes an appearance."

"What the hell? If you're trying to convince me that my life is so much better as a plum, you're failing so far."

"Oh my!!! Look at what the pineapple version of you is doing right now!" Ivan points at Oleh the Pineapple who is ingesting some ecstasy pills.

"Whoa! Do I overdose and die terribly and tragically on the filthy bathroom floor of the nightclub while other patrons walk over my pineapple carcass with drunken indifference???"

"Nope. You have an awesome time, actually. You never do ecstasy again, but you don't have any regrets about giving it a try. By the way, the pineapple you is married to one of the most beautiful oranges in the world."

"Ivan, are you some kind of troll? Are you just trying to make me feel more miserable than I already do? You suck as a guardian angel."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, the pineapple version of me lives an even more amazing life than the pineapple you. Now let's go back to the village and watch some random fist fights. What do you think?"

Oleh agreed that it would be a pretty good idea.