Once upon a time there was a girl named Oksana. She had only one dream in life: to visit Budapest. So she contacted a travel agency, signed up for one of their weekend packages and went to their office to pay. That's when things got a bit sketchy.
The agent explained the plan: "The first step is to smuggle you into the country. To accomplish this, we will hide you in a large, brown cardboard box. It will feature climate control technology so that you neither feel too hot nor too cold. You will need to remain silent throughout the journey. We will supply you with a box of saltine crackers and a 0.5L bottle of sparkling water. In order to prevent the customs agents from opening the box and discovering you, we will attach a sign that says 'Do not open.'"
"Um..excuse me?" Oksana wasn't sure about this.
The agent continued: "Once you get to Budapest, we will arrange for you to live with a Hungarian grandfather. You will cook and clean for him. You will also be asked to read the news to him as he has poor eyesight. You will also need to describe scenes from movies as he has no time to watch them himself. You'll get a closet-sized bedroom to yourself with one of those hidden wall beds. You will be supplied with candles to give you light at night. The Hungarian grandfather has a grandson named László. When he turns 18, you will be united with him in Holy Matrimony. He's 12 now, but in 6 years he will grow into a man who will one day be responsible for punishing your children."
"What does that mean?" asked Oksana.
"He will be a very strict father.," explained the agent. "He will measure his love for your children by a number of potatoes they harvest. But he will be fair and just."
"I think there is some kind of mistake. I signed up for a weekend package. I'm not sure what all this stuff about being smuggled into the country, living with a Hungarian grandfather and marrying László is about."
"You are Oksana, right?"
"Yeah," she replied.
"Oksana Vlasuk?"
"Yep. But I'm not going to Hungary in a cardboard box."
"Oksana Anna Vlasuk?"
"No. My middle name is Diana"
"Ooh!!! My face is so red right now. I got you confused with another customer. So anyway, yeah, we have your train ticket and hotel accommodations taken care of..."
"You know, I think I would like to look around at some other travel agencies."
"Fair enough. If you change your mind, come back and see us."
"Um...yeah. Sure..." Oksana slowly backed away, walked out the door and ran off.
Friday, June 23, 2017
Friday, June 16, 2017
Tanya Finds Herself in a Really Dark Place
Tanya is an ambitious duck with a long bucket list. Among them are climbing to the top of Olympus Mons (the tallest mountain in the solar system), winning a Nobel Peace Prize for being the most peaceful person ever, taking part the Eurovision singing competition while simultaneously representing every country (because of her immense talent), and baking cookies that she can share with her friends (yum!). She decided baking cookies would be the best way to start. So one Saturday she canceled her mountain-climbing fitness routine, yoga class, and voice lessons so that she could devote the day to baking the tastiest cookies ever.
Once she had finished, it was time for the Moment of Truth. She took her cookie basket (purchased specifically for this occasion), filled it with her freshly-baked cookies, and began knocking on her friends' doors and engaging with patrons at the park.
"Good afternoon, Nadia! Would you like to try one of my cookies?" Nadia (a turkey if you care to know) thought about it for a moment and then gave Tanya a wink. Tanya handed out the rest of the cookies to Vova the Goose, Tanya the Swan, Tanya the Pigeon, Viktor the Rooster, and Tanya the Duckbilled Platypus (Tanya is a common name in this town if you haven't noticed). She returned home satisfied that she had completed her first major accomplishment. Unfortunately, these good feelings would not last. That evening while watching TV Tanya suddenly heard a lot of commotion outside her home. Chickens were clicking, geese were honking, and duckbilled platypuses were platypusing or whatever. She went out to investigate.
"What is going on???" She asked. Viktor the Rooster decided to speak on behalf of the clearly agitated group. "Your cookies...they were the worst ever. So we've come to make sure you never make them again." "Wait, what? Were my cookies really that terrible?" Tanya looked at the other birds (as well as at Tanya the Platypus since she obviously isn't a bird) and they nodded their heads solemnly. They marched into the kitchen and Vova the Goose unplugged the oven. As they were about to leave, Tanya the Swan turned back and kicked the oven with her little swan foot. It didn't have any impact whatsoever, but she sure felt good doing it.
After they left, Tanya (the main duck character, not any of the other Tanyas. Apologies for any confusion) felt a bit sad. She happened to have left one cookie in the basket, so she gave it a try. It tasted terrible and she felt so ashamed that she decided to retreat from society. "I need some time for deep reflection. I must amend my ways and become a better duck. But most of all, I need to figure out what the hell went wrong with those cookies." So she deleted her Facebook account, packed a small bag containing only the essentials (a few books, some popcorn and a pack of cigarettes) and moved into a cave on the other side of the pond.
After a couple hours of sitting in the cave, Tanya became super bored and decided to check out Netflix. It's a good thing she brought her computer and Wi-Fi router, eh? Oh, and the decision to bring the popcorn suddenly made sense. In the middle of watching House of Cards, Tanya could feel that there was another presence in the cave. She turned her head and standing above her was a bear! Presumably a friendly one as he gave her a "thumbs up."
"Hello, Mister Bear. I don't mean to intrude. See, I made a terrible mistake. I had baked some cookies to give to my neighbors, but they totally hated them and I can't blame them..."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I'll tell you what. Why don't you use my oven to make some more and we'll solve this problem together." Mister Bear took Tanya's hand (well, wing, actually) and led her to the kitchen where she whipped up a batch of her awful cookies. Her new bear friend took a bite...and agreed that something was not right. So he whispered a solution into Tanya's ear so as to not give away the ending to the story. She scratched her chin and agreed that he was probably right. Then they watched a movie together in 3D. It's a good thing Tanya had brought two pairs of 3D glasses.
The next morning Tanya returned to her home, replugged her oven and made some more cookies, but this time she added a very special ingredient. Just like the previous day, she began handing them out to the others. At first, her friends were hesitant to try them seeing that the previous experience had totally ruined their day. But Viktor said, "We must be brave. We must remain strong. We will try these cookies." So they did...and after a brief dramatic pause, the birds burst into thunderous applause. "Wow. I mean...these are the most amazing cookies ever," declared Tanya the Pigeon, "what is your secret?"
"Well, the missing ingredient was love. I didn't put enough care and dedication into yesterday's cookies. Love makes all the difference."
"Um...and I suppose you added sugar this time," Vova interjected.
"Yeah, that too. I had totally forgotten that step yesterday. My bad."
THE END??? YES, THE END!
Once she had finished, it was time for the Moment of Truth. She took her cookie basket (purchased specifically for this occasion), filled it with her freshly-baked cookies, and began knocking on her friends' doors and engaging with patrons at the park.
"Good afternoon, Nadia! Would you like to try one of my cookies?" Nadia (a turkey if you care to know) thought about it for a moment and then gave Tanya a wink. Tanya handed out the rest of the cookies to Vova the Goose, Tanya the Swan, Tanya the Pigeon, Viktor the Rooster, and Tanya the Duckbilled Platypus (Tanya is a common name in this town if you haven't noticed). She returned home satisfied that she had completed her first major accomplishment. Unfortunately, these good feelings would not last. That evening while watching TV Tanya suddenly heard a lot of commotion outside her home. Chickens were clicking, geese were honking, and duckbilled platypuses were platypusing or whatever. She went out to investigate.
"What is going on???" She asked. Viktor the Rooster decided to speak on behalf of the clearly agitated group. "Your cookies...they were the worst ever. So we've come to make sure you never make them again." "Wait, what? Were my cookies really that terrible?" Tanya looked at the other birds (as well as at Tanya the Platypus since she obviously isn't a bird) and they nodded their heads solemnly. They marched into the kitchen and Vova the Goose unplugged the oven. As they were about to leave, Tanya the Swan turned back and kicked the oven with her little swan foot. It didn't have any impact whatsoever, but she sure felt good doing it.
After they left, Tanya (the main duck character, not any of the other Tanyas. Apologies for any confusion) felt a bit sad. She happened to have left one cookie in the basket, so she gave it a try. It tasted terrible and she felt so ashamed that she decided to retreat from society. "I need some time for deep reflection. I must amend my ways and become a better duck. But most of all, I need to figure out what the hell went wrong with those cookies." So she deleted her Facebook account, packed a small bag containing only the essentials (a few books, some popcorn and a pack of cigarettes) and moved into a cave on the other side of the pond.
After a couple hours of sitting in the cave, Tanya became super bored and decided to check out Netflix. It's a good thing she brought her computer and Wi-Fi router, eh? Oh, and the decision to bring the popcorn suddenly made sense. In the middle of watching House of Cards, Tanya could feel that there was another presence in the cave. She turned her head and standing above her was a bear! Presumably a friendly one as he gave her a "thumbs up."
"Hello, Mister Bear. I don't mean to intrude. See, I made a terrible mistake. I had baked some cookies to give to my neighbors, but they totally hated them and I can't blame them..."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I'll tell you what. Why don't you use my oven to make some more and we'll solve this problem together." Mister Bear took Tanya's hand (well, wing, actually) and led her to the kitchen where she whipped up a batch of her awful cookies. Her new bear friend took a bite...and agreed that something was not right. So he whispered a solution into Tanya's ear so as to not give away the ending to the story. She scratched her chin and agreed that he was probably right. Then they watched a movie together in 3D. It's a good thing Tanya had brought two pairs of 3D glasses.
The next morning Tanya returned to her home, replugged her oven and made some more cookies, but this time she added a very special ingredient. Just like the previous day, she began handing them out to the others. At first, her friends were hesitant to try them seeing that the previous experience had totally ruined their day. But Viktor said, "We must be brave. We must remain strong. We will try these cookies." So they did...and after a brief dramatic pause, the birds burst into thunderous applause. "Wow. I mean...these are the most amazing cookies ever," declared Tanya the Pigeon, "what is your secret?"
"Well, the missing ingredient was love. I didn't put enough care and dedication into yesterday's cookies. Love makes all the difference."
"Um...and I suppose you added sugar this time," Vova interjected.
"Yeah, that too. I had totally forgotten that step yesterday. My bad."
THE END??? YES, THE END!
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