Natalia the Flower Becomes a Viral Sensation

There was once (and continues to be) a flower named Natalia. She lived a carefree life in a garden in Lviv with her best friend Irusya Kukusya the Butterfly and their friend Timur the Frog. But one day Timur unexpectedly ate Irusya, triggering a series of events that would change Natalia's life forever.

"Why would you do that, Timur? Irusya was my best friend!" Natalia was very sad.

"Yeah, on the surface this might seem to be a strange thing to do. She was even the godmother of my first child. But I was hungry, and I'm a frog. So..." 

"That's a reasonable explanation. But I still feel super sad. There is only one way for me to move on. It is time for me to leave the garden,"declared Natalia. But where would she go? Samoa? Brazi? Uzbekistan? She decided she would spin a globe and where ever her finger landed on, she would move there. So she gave it a spin...and it landed on Zhytomyr. "Well, I certainly can't go there! I will try again." So she did...and her finger chose Sumy. "I guess this is fate," she stated plaintively. 

So Natalia bought a one-way ticket to Sumy. As everybody knows, once you buy a one-way ticket, you can never go back because that's how narrative logic works. About one hour into the journey, Natalia couldn't help but notice that a fellow traveler (a rabbit in this case) kept glancing over at her from across the aisle.

"What is your deal?" Natalia asked. 

"Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude. Are you a pop singer by some chance? Because you totally have the look." The rabbit introduced himself as Andriy and handed Natalia his business card. "I am a manager in the entertainment industry. Do you know how to sing?"

"Well, I used to sing in the garden sometimes with Irusya Kukusya and Timur. But Timur ate Irusya and that was the saddest thing ever."

Andriy shot Natalia an awkward, confused look. "Hmm. Well, anyway I would like to represent you. I'll help you become the biggest K-Pop star ever."

"What is K-Pop?" asked Natalia. 

"It's a genre of pop music that is popular in South Korea."

"But I don't know how to sing in Korean. In fact, I don't have any singing talent at all!"

"Too late. The concert is tomorrow. I've already booked the airplane tickets. Oh, and it looks like we've sold out all the seats at the stadium."

So the next evening Natalia made her concert debut in Seoul. As she came on stage, a crowd of 60,000 cheered wildly. She had one little problem though: she hadn't rehearsed, much less come up with a catalog of songs of sing. So thinking quickly, she chose "Roar" by Katy Perry from the playlist on her phone and tried to sing along with her microphone. The audience booed loudly in disapproval. One even tossed a tomato that just barely missed Natalia's head. Not sure what to do, the flower put down the microphone and did a little dance before walking off stage. 

Backstage, Andriy was in a panic. "What on Earth was that?!?! The sponsors have decided to cancel the rest of the tour. Thanks to you, my career has a manager is ruined!" 

As Natalia took a lonely stroll around the streets of Seoul, an odd thing happened. Upon seeing her, people would begin freaking out and asking for autographs and selfies with her. She looked at a news report through the window of an electronics shop. It was about her dance, which had been captured by camera phone and uploaded onto YouTube. 

"It's already received 5 billion views," explained one of her new fans. "You are the biggest viral star in history!"

All of a sudden, Natalia was getting calls from the Kardashian sisters to go on shopping sprees. Justin Bieber was begging her to marry him. Even President Trump couldn't stop Tweeting about her! Natalia would host wild and crazy parties in Queen Elizabeth's garden. But with this new fame came tremendous consequences. Natalia finally hit rock bottom: she became addicted to apple juice.

Finally, Natalia sent out this tweet: "I can't handle this fame anymore. I'm moving back to my quiet garden in Lviv. Sorry."

When she arrived home, she gave Timur a big hug. "It's nice to see you again, Natalia. I have a big surprise for you!" With that, Irusya Kukusya crawled out! She was alive...even if not entirely well. One of her wings was missing. And her left foot was gone. "Yeah, Timur decided I didn't taste very good. So he spit me out. Kind of sucks that I can't fly anymore. But anyway, what's new? What were you up to while you were gone?"

"Oh, if only you knew," Natalia said while giving a sneaky wink. 

That should have been the end of the story, but Timur was like, "Oh, we know that you were a YouTube viral superstar. Lviv lives in the 21st century too."

With that, they all began to laugh. And then Timur spit out Kukusya's left foot. 

Daria's Sneaky Idea

One upon a time, Daria and Maryna were sitting on the sofa watching Eurovision. It was an epic singing competition to determine once and forever who was the most talented country: Moldova or Liechtenstein. Daria couldn't help but notice Maryna munching on a plate of pickled tomatoes. "Those pickled tomatoes look super tasty," said Daria. "Think I could have one?"
"Oh, Daria. I really wish I could share. But I'm having some financial difficulties right now. If only there were a way for me to make some extra money. Then I would be able to spare a few of these pickled tomatoes."
"Well, actually, I have an idea. Space tourism. We'll send vacationers to Mars for a week or three. We just need to build a rocket. And a few resorts, I suppose. If I can have 45 minutes of your time, I would like to show you my entire PowerPoint presentation."
"Oh my!" exclaimed Maryna after seeing the entire plan. "Let's get started. We need a website. We need to put out an announcement. We will be so rich that we will be able to burn money in the fireplace to stay warm in the winter."

DO YOU ENJOY TRAVELING? HOW ABOUT RELAXING AT 3-STAR RESORTS? IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO BOTH QUESTIONS, DO WE HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU! WE ARE ORGANIZING A TRIP TO MARS AND WOULD LIKE YOU TO JOIN! ALL MEALS WILL BE PROVIDED BOTH DURING THE ROCKET JOURNEY AND WHEN YOU ARRIVE AT THE RESORT. ONLY $20,000. BUT ACT FAST! THERE IS LIMITED ROOM ON THE ROCKET. ALSO, PLEASE BRING YOUR OWN SPACE SUITS.

A week later, 22 space adventurers showed up in front of the Lviv Opera House to begin the journey. They were all wearing improvised space suits. One had wrapped himself in aluminum foil. Another wore a cardboard box with NASA drawn onto it. A third had a fishbowl on his head. The girls collected their money and handed each of them a ponchik as a snack. That's when things hit a snag. "Maryna," whispered Daria, "we forgot about the rocket ship." Thinking very quickly, Daria attached some paper wings onto a nearby Lada. "There's the, um, rocket. Have a safe journey!" Daria and Maryna ran away, laughing at their clever scheme.

A few weeks later the girls were sitting on a large pile of money while watching Disney's Frozen as Maryna ate a plate of pickled onions. "I wonder what our customers thought about the Mars vacation," Daryna thought.
"Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's take a look at the reviews."
The girls checked out the reviews on their website and were shocked to discover that most of the customers had given them 5-star reviews with a few 4-star reviews as well. One of the tourists had given it 2-stars because she felt the chicken served for dinner was a bit too dry.
"What??? They actually made it to Mars? There were resorts up there? How is this possible?" asked Maryna.
"Okay, I have a confession. I felt guilty about just taking their money. So I quickly sent some construction workers up there to build a resort. I also sent some restaurant and hotel staff."
"Oh, that is the nicest thing anybody has ever done. Here, have a pickled onion."
"Thanks, but actually giving me a pickled onion is the nicest thing anybody has ever done."
The girls laughed and laughed and laughed. All...evening...long.

THE END

Lidia Starts Her New Life

Once upon a time, there was a Ukrainian girl named Lidia. She would often tell her friends things like, "Someday you will knock on my door and I won't answer. When that happens, it means I've gone off to find happiness and will never return." Her friends had mixed feelings about that. On one hand, they wanted her to be happy. But on the other hand, they sort of liked how at the end of the day she would always be home since it meant they could use her Playstation 4. But anyway, this story is getting off topic.


According to Lidia's philosophy, the best parties are the ones that you can't remember the next day. If this is true, April 24th 2016 was the best day ever. It all started when Lidia went to a nightclub with some friends in the evening. She had a few drinks - okay, more than just a few - and she danced as if she were a contestant on a TV show. But she wasn't. She was at Club Metro and instead of an audience, there was just a bunch of weird drunk people. After a while, things got a bit hazy.

When Lidia woke up the next morning, she found herself laying on top of a floating sheet of ice in the middle of what she assumed must have been the Antarctic Ocean. She had no idea how she ended up there, and yet at the same time she wasn't entirely surprised. Lidia and the sheet of ice managed to reach land, and she spent the rest of the afternoon exploring. Once she found a suitable spot to settle, she built a little igloo for herself. She also managed to make an iPad out of ice, but then realized it would be useless since there wasn't a WiFi connection anywhere.

One day while staring at the mountains of snow (which was the only interesting activity in Antarctica) Lidia had a strange feeling like she was being watched...and then realized she was! Three penguins were hiding behind a large block of ice, but one of them blew their cover by sneezing. They waddled away the way penguins do and returned to their home to inform the other penguins about what they saw. They argued over what to do. Some of the penguins thought Lidia looked nice enough and thought they should invite her to their colony. Others were not so sure. So they decided to give Lidia a test known as the Fish of Friendship.

The three penguins returned to Lidia's igloo with a large, raw fish. As they sat in a circle, one of the penguins took a bite and then passed the fish off to Lidia. She was reluctant, but she knew she had to make a good impression. So she took a large bite and swallowed. The penguins let out a cheer and ushered her off to their colony.

Months passed and Lidia had fully immersed herself in penguin culture. She learned to walk, talk and swim like a penguin. She was also invited to sing at the Penguin Prince's wedding. But one day a helicopter was seen overhead. It was a rescue mission! A Special Operations Force exited the helicopter, tied Lidia up and off they flew. For good measure they launched a missile at her igloo and blew it up.

Lidia had great difficulty adjusting to life back in Khmelnytskyi. Her friends tried to make her feel at home by filling her bathtub with ice and tossing fish at her. But it wasn't the same. She missed the penguin life. One morning her friends knocked on her door, but there was no answer. "Oh my. It's really happened. Lidia is gone. She has found happiness." Her friends cried, feeling happy that she had found her way in life, but feeling sad because she still owed them $40.

Oleh the Plum Wishes He Had Been Born a Pineapple

Once upon a time, there was a plum named Oleh. He lived a quiet, boring life in a village in central Ukraine but had always hoped for more. Sure, it was sort of exciting to watch cars pass by from time to time. And if it was Tuesday afternoon, fist fights between drunken villagers were almost certain to take place. But...meh. Life sucked for Oleh the Plum.

"I  wish I had been born a pineapple. My life would have been so much more exciting," he said plaintively. Suddenly he heard a mysterious voice off in the distance. "Don't say that, Oleh. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side. You should appreciate your life as a village plum."

A plum with wings appeared. Oleh's mouth dropped open. "Oh my. Are you my guardian angel???"

"Yeah, something like that. I'm Ivan and I've come to show you what life would have been like if you had been born a pineapple. Take my hand. We've got places to go." With that, Oleh the Plum was whisked off to an alternative reality in which he had been born a pineapple.

"Oh wow! Where are we? Florida??? Are you telling me that if I had been born a pineapple I'd be living in Florida?" Oleh couldn't believe what he was seeing; the bright sun, a bunch of bright, optimistic party-goers, and crystal blue water.

"Yes. But don't forget that Florida gets all sorts of hurricanes and stuff," Ivan pointed out.

"Oh. That's not good. Would I have to deal with that kind of thing all the time?" asked Oleh.

"Nah. You'd be in Orlando, which never gets hit."

"So why would you even bring it up then?"

"Okay fine. But Orlando gets super hot. And the humidity is terrible."

"Right. But there are bodies of water. And Disney World. And air conditioning. So who cares?"

"Sometimes air conditioners break..." Ivan said grimly.

Oleh rolled his eyes. "I think I would manage. So what are you going to show me next?"

"We're going to an exclusive nightclub. So exclusive that they only allow beautiful fruits inside."

"Ouch. Am I an ugly pineapple who gets turned away from the door with a sneer?"

"Nope. Every time you show up, they immediately whisk you to the VIP room. In fact, the staff have been instructed to not serve anybody alcohol until you arrive. As everybody knows, the party doesn't truly start until Oleh the Pineapple makes an appearance."

"What the hell? If you're trying to convince me that my life is so much better as a plum, you're failing so far."

"Oh my!!! Look at what the pineapple version of you is doing right now!" Ivan points at Oleh the Pineapple who is ingesting some ecstasy pills.

"Whoa! Do I overdose and die terribly and tragically on the filthy bathroom floor of the nightclub while other patrons walk over my pineapple carcass with drunken indifference???"

"Nope. You have an awesome time, actually. You never do ecstasy again, but you don't have any regrets about giving it a try. By the way, the pineapple you is married to one of the most beautiful oranges in the world."

"Ivan, are you some kind of troll? Are you just trying to make me feel more miserable than I already do? You suck as a guardian angel."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, the pineapple version of me lives an even more amazing life than the pineapple you. Now let's go back to the village and watch some random fist fights. What do you think?"

Oleh agreed that it would be a pretty good idea.

Tanya the Koala

Once upon a time, there was a girl from Hoshcha named Tanya. On a typical day she would be feeling awesome. But today was anything but a typical day. Tanya was sobbing under a eucalyptus tree when her dear friend Lyubashka approached to see what was the matter.

"What's wrong, Tanyushka? You're usually in such an upbeat mood."

"I received some difficult news today. You know how a caterpillar eventually turns into a butterfly? Well, I had this hope that maybe one day I would turn into a koala. But my biology teacher told me this is possible." Tanya blew her nose with a handkerchief.

"Bah! What does she know? She is totally wrong. In my mind you ARE a koala, Tanya. In fact, you are twice as fluffy and five times as cute as an average koala!"

"I am??? Oh my! This is the best news ever!" With that, Tanya quickly climbed the eucalyptus tree and began its leaves.

"Wait, Tanya!" said Lyuba, "I didn't mean it literally. I just wanted to cheer you up!"

But it was too late. Tanya was already peacefully sleeping in the tree, just like a proper koala would.

Bunny Natalia saves the day again

One afternoon Bunny Natalia and Bunny Vika were watching an interesting TV show about turtles when Natalia said, “Bunny Vika, how does the Bunny Parliament operate? How are laws made?” Bunny Vika answered, “I don’t know.” And then she stuck a carrot in Natalia’s mouth and turned her head back to the TV.

As Bunny Natalia thought about it more, she began to realize that she had just asked the most interesting question ever, which means she needed to find the answer. “Bunny Vika, do you want to visit the Bunny Parliament this afternoon to solve this mystery?” Bunny Vika answered, “Yeah, great. Visit. Afternoon. Mystery.” And then she shoved a piece of cabbage in Natalia’s mouth and continued to watch the program. Bunny Natalia just shrugged and walked out of the house to make her way to the Bunny Parliament building.

When she reached the entrance of the building, the security guard, Sasha the Dog, asked her what she was up to. She answered, “I want to see how the Bunny Parliament gets their work done.”

Sasha scratched his chin and said, “Hmm. That sounds like the most interesting idea ever. Can I join you?”

 Bunny Natalia gave him a puzzled look and answered, “But aren’t you working right now?”  

Sasha the Dog replied, “I think it is obvious that I am not.”

So Natalia and Sasha entered the parliament and watched the Bunny MPs debate.

“Parliament Resolution 1693 declares that bunnies are the best ever,” announced the Speaker, Bunny Volodya. “All in favor say, ‘Aye.’” In unison, all of the MPs answered with an enthusiastic, “Aye!!!” Well, everyone but Katya the Hamster. Nobody is quiet sure how she got voted into the Bunny Parliament. Shit happens, I guess.

“Then it is settled!” Speaker Volodya said to loud cheers. “Next. Parliament Resolution 5387 declares that cabbage is the most delicious vegetable ever. All in favor shout out, ‘Aye’ in the most obnoxiously loud voice ever.” About half of the parliament yelled out, “Aye!!!!!” while the other half remained silent. The Speaker was in a state of complete shock. This was the first time in history that the Parliament did not have a universal consensus about resolutions. Well, with the exception of Katya the Hamster, who only voted with with her fellow MPs that one time when they agreed that octopuses having eight legs was impractical and, in any event, ridiculous-looking. Things had indeed gotten awkward.

“No!” Bunny Edvard stood up. “Cabbage is not the most delicious vegetable ever. Carrots are!” There was a loud mumbling from the Parliament. Bunny Viktor answered, “How dare you say such a thing! Nothing compares to the tastiness of a fresh cabbage.” And then he punched Edvard in the face. A huge fight broke out in the parliament, with the bunnies kicking, scratching, and biting each other. Katya the Hamster just sat back in her chair and ate some sunflower seeds.

“This is a major political crisis!” cried Speaker Volodya. “What are we going to do???”

Bunny Natalia ran onto the floor and shouted, “Stop! Stop it, all of you! Cabbage is delicious and so are carrots. Can we not just agree that cabbage and carrots are both the best ever?”

The fighting abruptly stopped. Bunny Viktor helped Edvard up from off the ground and handed him his broken front teeth back. Bunny Oksana patted Bunny Dennis on the shoulder and placed his hat on top of his head. “But that’s not my hat…” said Dennis.

“Bunny Natalia’s idea is the best ever,” said Speaker Volodya, “In fact, her sound logic has saved the entire Bunny Nation! Who agrees that she should be our next president?” Everybody shouted, “Aye!” Well, everybody except Katya the Hamster. But that’s okay because she was in the corner of the room sleeping peacefully.

A group of bunnies lifted Bunny Natalia off the ground and tossed her into the air in celebration. “Three cheers for Bunny Natalia!”

“But wait,” Bunny Natalia protested, “I’m not sure that this is how democracy works!” But at this point it was too late. The bunnies had already sworn her in and had even renamed the capital “Natalochka” in her honor.

What if Lyuda Had Been Born a Flower?

What if Lyuda had been born a flower?   She's a busy girl who probably doesn't have time to think about such questions. But fortunately I do. If she were a flower, she would be a daffodil. Her needs would be pretty basic. She'd like some water from time to time. And sunshine would be good too. She would socialize with butterflies and honey bees. What makes her unique is that she would want the gardener to talk and sing to her. I once read that Prince Charles is an avid gardener who loves singing to his plants and flowers. Some of the flowers probably think this is weird at first. But once they find out their gardener is the future King of England, they are impressed. If Lyuda were a flower in Prince Charles' garden, she would act really cool and nonchalant about it on the outside, but on the inside she would feel really excited and wonder if it would be appropriate to ask for a personalized autographed photo of his mom that read, “Best regards to Lyudochka, my son's favorite flower. Sincerely yours, Queen Elizabeth II.” And then she would be invited to be the Queen's decoration at a tea party.