Lidia Starts Her New Life

Once upon a time, there was a Ukrainian girl named Lidia. She would often tell her friends things like, "Someday you will knock on my door and I won't answer. When that happens, it means I've gone off to find happiness and will never return." Her friends had mixed feelings about that. On one hand, they wanted her to be happy. But on the other hand, they sort of liked how at the end of the day she would always be home since it meant they could use her Playstation 4. But anyway, this story is getting off topic.


According to Lidia's philosophy, the best parties are the ones that you can't remember the next day. If this is true, April 24th 2016 was the best day ever. It all started when Lidia went to a nightclub with some friends in the evening. She had a few drinks - okay, more than just a few - and she danced as if she were a contestant on a TV show. But she wasn't. She was at Club Metro and instead of an audience, there was just a bunch of weird drunk people. After a while, things got a bit hazy.

When Lidia woke up the next morning, she found herself laying on top of a floating sheet of ice in the middle of what she assumed must have been the Antarctic Ocean. She had no idea how she ended up there, and yet at the same time she wasn't entirely surprised. Lidia and the sheet of ice managed to reach land, and she spent the rest of the afternoon exploring. Once she found a suitable spot to settle, she built a little igloo for herself. She also managed to make an iPad out of ice, but then realized it would be useless since there wasn't a WiFi connection anywhere.

One day while staring at the mountains of snow (which was the only interesting activity in Antarctica) Lidia had a strange feeling like she was being watched...and then realized she was! Three penguins were hiding behind a large block of ice, but one of them blew their cover by sneezing. They waddled away the way penguins do and returned to their home to inform the other penguins about what they saw. They argued over what to do. Some of the penguins thought Lidia looked nice enough and thought they should invite her to their colony. Others were not so sure. So they decided to give Lidia a test known as the Fish of Friendship.

The three penguins returned to Lidia's igloo with a large, raw fish. As they sat in a circle, one of the penguins took a bite and then passed the fish off to Lidia. She was reluctant, but she knew she had to make a good impression. So she took a large bite and swallowed. The penguins let out a cheer and ushered her off to their colony.

Months passed and Lidia had fully immersed herself in penguin culture. She learned to walk, talk and swim like a penguin. She was also invited to sing at the Penguin Prince's wedding. But one day a helicopter was seen overhead. It was a rescue mission! A Special Operations Force exited the helicopter, tied Lidia up and off they flew. For good measure they launched a missile at her igloo and blew it up.

Lidia had great difficulty adjusting to life back in Khmelnytskyi. Her friends tried to make her feel at home by filling her bathtub with ice and tossing fish at her. But it wasn't the same. She missed the penguin life. One morning her friends knocked on her door, but there was no answer. "Oh my. It's really happened. Lidia is gone. She has found happiness." Her friends cried, feeling happy that she had found her way in life, but feeling sad because she still owed them $40.

Oleh the Plum Wishes He Had Been Born a Pineapple

Once upon a time, there was a plum named Oleh. He lived a quiet, boring life in a village in central Ukraine but had always hoped for more. Sure, it was sort of exciting to watch cars pass by from time to time. And if it was Tuesday afternoon, fist fights between drunken villagers were almost certain to take place. But...meh. Life sucked for Oleh the Plum.

"I  wish I had been born a pineapple. My life would have been so much more exciting," he said plaintively. Suddenly he heard a mysterious voice off in the distance. "Don't say that, Oleh. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side. You should appreciate your life as a village plum."

A plum with wings appeared. Oleh's mouth dropped open. "Oh my. Are you my guardian angel???"

"Yeah, something like that. I'm Ivan and I've come to show you what life would have been like if you had been born a pineapple. Take my hand. We've got places to go." With that, Oleh the Plum was whisked off to an alternative reality in which he had been born a pineapple.

"Oh wow! Where are we? Florida??? Are you telling me that if I had been born a pineapple I'd be living in Florida?" Oleh couldn't believe what he was seeing; the bright sun, a bunch of bright, optimistic party-goers, and crystal blue water.

"Yes. But don't forget that Florida gets all sorts of hurricanes and stuff," Ivan pointed out.

"Oh. That's not good. Would I have to deal with that kind of thing all the time?" asked Oleh.

"Nah. You'd be in Orlando, which never gets hit."

"So why would you even bring it up then?"

"Okay fine. But Orlando gets super hot. And the humidity is terrible."

"Right. But there are bodies of water. And Disney World. And air conditioning. So who cares?"

"Sometimes air conditioners break..." Ivan said grimly.

Oleh rolled his eyes. "I think I would manage. So what are you going to show me next?"

"We're going to an exclusive nightclub. So exclusive that they only allow beautiful fruits inside."

"Ouch. Am I an ugly pineapple who gets turned away from the door with a sneer?"

"Nope. Every time you show up, they immediately whisk you to the VIP room. In fact, the staff have been instructed to not serve anybody alcohol until you arrive. As everybody knows, the party doesn't truly start until Oleh the Pineapple makes an appearance."

"What the hell? If you're trying to convince me that my life is so much better as a plum, you're failing so far."

"Oh my!!! Look at what the pineapple version of you is doing right now!" Ivan points at Oleh the Pineapple who is ingesting some ecstasy pills.

"Whoa! Do I overdose and die terribly and tragically on the filthy bathroom floor of the nightclub while other patrons walk over my pineapple carcass with drunken indifference???"

"Nope. You have an awesome time, actually. You never do ecstasy again, but you don't have any regrets about giving it a try. By the way, the pineapple you is married to one of the most beautiful oranges in the world."

"Ivan, are you some kind of troll? Are you just trying to make me feel more miserable than I already do? You suck as a guardian angel."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, the pineapple version of me lives an even more amazing life than the pineapple you. Now let's go back to the village and watch some random fist fights. What do you think?"

Oleh agreed that it would be a pretty good idea.

Tanya the Koala

Once upon a time, there was a girl from Hoshcha named Tanya. On a typical day she would be feeling awesome. But today was anything but a typical day. Tanya was sobbing under a eucalyptus tree when her dear friend Lyubashka approached to see what was the matter.

"What's wrong, Tanyushka? You're usually in such an upbeat mood."

"I received some difficult news today. You know how a caterpillar eventually turns into a butterfly? Well, I had this hope that maybe one day I would turn into a koala. But my biology teacher told me this is possible." Tanya blew her nose with a handkerchief.

"Bah! What does she know? She is totally wrong. In my mind you ARE a koala, Tanya. In fact, you are twice as fluffy and five times as cute as an average koala!"

"I am??? Oh my! This is the best news ever!" With that, Tanya quickly climbed the eucalyptus tree and began its leaves.

"Wait, Tanya!" said Lyuba, "I didn't mean it literally. I just wanted to cheer you up!"

But it was too late. Tanya was already peacefully sleeping in the tree, just like a proper koala would.

Bunny Natalia saves the day again

One afternoon Bunny Natalia and Bunny Vika were watching an interesting TV show about turtles when Natalia said, “Bunny Vika, how does the Bunny Parliament operate? How are laws made?” Bunny Vika answered, “I don’t know.” And then she stuck a carrot in Natalia’s mouth and turned her head back to the TV.

As Bunny Natalia thought about it more, she began to realize that she had just asked the most interesting question ever, which means she needed to find the answer. “Bunny Vika, do you want to visit the Bunny Parliament this afternoon to solve this mystery?” Bunny Vika answered, “Yeah, great. Visit. Afternoon. Mystery.” And then she shoved a piece of cabbage in Natalia’s mouth and continued to watch the program. Bunny Natalia just shrugged and walked out of the house to make her way to the Bunny Parliament building.

When she reached the entrance of the building, the security guard, Sasha the Dog, asked her what she was up to. She answered, “I want to see how the Bunny Parliament gets their work done.”

Sasha scratched his chin and said, “Hmm. That sounds like the most interesting idea ever. Can I join you?”

 Bunny Natalia gave him a puzzled look and answered, “But aren’t you working right now?”  

Sasha the Dog replied, “I think it is obvious that I am not.”

So Natalia and Sasha entered the parliament and watched the Bunny MPs debate.

“Parliament Resolution 1693 declares that bunnies are the best ever,” announced the Speaker, Bunny Volodya. “All in favor say, ‘Aye.’” In unison, all of the MPs answered with an enthusiastic, “Aye!!!” Well, everyone but Katya the Hamster. Nobody is quiet sure how she got voted into the Bunny Parliament. Shit happens, I guess.

“Then it is settled!” Speaker Volodya said to loud cheers. “Next. Parliament Resolution 5387 declares that cabbage is the most delicious vegetable ever. All in favor shout out, ‘Aye’ in the most obnoxiously loud voice ever.” About half of the parliament yelled out, “Aye!!!!!” while the other half remained silent. The Speaker was in a state of complete shock. This was the first time in history that the Parliament did not have a universal consensus about resolutions. Well, with the exception of Katya the Hamster, who only voted with with her fellow MPs that one time when they agreed that octopuses having eight legs was impractical and, in any event, ridiculous-looking. Things had indeed gotten awkward.

“No!” Bunny Edvard stood up. “Cabbage is not the most delicious vegetable ever. Carrots are!” There was a loud mumbling from the Parliament. Bunny Viktor answered, “How dare you say such a thing! Nothing compares to the tastiness of a fresh cabbage.” And then he punched Edvard in the face. A huge fight broke out in the parliament, with the bunnies kicking, scratching, and biting each other. Katya the Hamster just sat back in her chair and ate some sunflower seeds.

“This is a major political crisis!” cried Speaker Volodya. “What are we going to do???”

Bunny Natalia ran onto the floor and shouted, “Stop! Stop it, all of you! Cabbage is delicious and so are carrots. Can we not just agree that cabbage and carrots are both the best ever?”

The fighting abruptly stopped. Bunny Viktor helped Edvard up from off the ground and handed him his broken front teeth back. Bunny Oksana patted Bunny Dennis on the shoulder and placed his hat on top of his head. “But that’s not my hat…” said Dennis.

“Bunny Natalia’s idea is the best ever,” said Speaker Volodya, “In fact, her sound logic has saved the entire Bunny Nation! Who agrees that she should be our next president?” Everybody shouted, “Aye!” Well, everybody except Katya the Hamster. But that’s okay because she was in the corner of the room sleeping peacefully.

A group of bunnies lifted Bunny Natalia off the ground and tossed her into the air in celebration. “Three cheers for Bunny Natalia!”

“But wait,” Bunny Natalia protested, “I’m not sure that this is how democracy works!” But at this point it was too late. The bunnies had already sworn her in and had even renamed the capital “Natalochka” in her honor.

What if Lyuda Had Been Born a Flower?

What if Lyuda had been born a flower?   She's a busy girl who probably doesn't have time to think about such questions. But fortunately I do. If she were a flower, she would be a daffodil. Her needs would be pretty basic. She'd like some water from time to time. And sunshine would be good too. She would socialize with butterflies and honey bees. What makes her unique is that she would want the gardener to talk and sing to her. I once read that Prince Charles is an avid gardener who loves singing to his plants and flowers. Some of the flowers probably think this is weird at first. But once they find out their gardener is the future King of England, they are impressed. If Lyuda were a flower in Prince Charles' garden, she would act really cool and nonchalant about it on the outside, but on the inside she would feel really excited and wonder if it would be appropriate to ask for a personalized autographed photo of his mom that read, “Best regards to Lyudochka, my son's favorite flower. Sincerely yours, Queen Elizabeth II.” And then she would be invited to be the Queen's decoration at a tea party.

Olena Makes Friends With a Crab

One lovely afternoon Turtle Anya was going for a walk when she crossed paths with Olena the Cucumber Princess.  Olena was looking very confused and sad.

"What's wrong, Lena?" asked Turtle Anya.
"I just realized something.  I don't have any crab friends," replied Olena.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I don't have a single friend who is a crab.  And that makes me sad," explained Olena.
"Um...interesting," said Anya.  And then she walked away.
Olena decided she should do something about this problem.  So she took a marshrutka to Odesa so she could be introduced to a crab.  When she reached the beach, she found one.
"Hello, crab.  My name is Olena.  I am the princess of cucumbers.  I also like tomatoes sometimes."
The crab looked at her, but didn't respond.
"I think we will become the best friends ever!" declared Olena.
"Okay.  Whatever," said the crab.  It would be the only words he would speak during this entire story.

Olena joined the crab and they went to the bottom of the sea.  Olena became very excited about this adventure.  First, the crab was swimming and then he stopped to eat something.  Then he swam some more.  Then he stopped to eat some more things.  Also, he buried himself in the sand to avoid dangerous animals.  Olena waited for him to come out of the sand so the adventure could continue.  Two hours later, her crab friend came out.  I guess it was safe to continue swimming.  Olena began to realize that maybe she wasn't really missing anything special when she didn't have a crab friend.  The crab didn't appear to have any interesting hobbies besides eating and hiding.  He didn't listen to music, he didn't watch movies.  And most importantly, he really didn't have anything to say.  Finally, Olena shook the crab's hand and said, "It was very pleasant to meet you.  I must be going now."

The next day, Turtle Anya was going for a walk when she saw Olena again.  Olena was looking very happy and content.

"Why are you so happy, Lena?" asked Turtle Anya.
"I just realized something," answered Olena.  "Crabs don't make very interesting friends."
"Yes, Lena.  This is true.  I'm glad you know the truth.  Now let's go to a cafe and eat some cucumber sandwiches and drink tomato juice."
Olena agreed that this was a fabulous idea.

THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT HERE

Bunny Vika Studies Anatomy

Once upon a time, Bunny Vika was studying for an anatomy exam when suddenly she began to feel a little sad.
"What's wrong, Bunny Vika?  Why do you have such a gloomy expression on your face?" asked Bohdan the Beaver.
"Well, I have a very important exam at my medical university academy tomorrow.  It's for my anatomy class.  But it is very difficult.  It's not fun at all."  Vika wanted to cry.
Suddenly Bohdan had an excellent idea.  He grabbed a pencil and a piece of paper and began to draw.
After he finished, he gave a sheet of paper to Vika and asked, "Vika, what does this look like to you?"
Vika looked at the drawing for a moment, concentrated, and replied, "Um...a nose?"
"Exactly!  And what about this???"  Bohdan showed her another drawing.
"Those look like ears.  Oh, and you also drew a hand!"  Vika was feeling happier.
"That's right, Bunny Vika!  And what do you notice in that hand?"
Vika looked carefully at the drawing and said excitedly, "Ого!  It's a strawberry!!!"
"Indeed it is!  So what did you learn today?" asked Bohdan.
"I learned that studying anatomy is the best ever!"  Vika gave Bohdan a hug.  And then she passed her anatomy exam the next day.

TRUE STORY