Vasylyna's Not-So-Smooth Journey

Once upon a time there was a hamster named Vasylyna. Aside from using her hamster wheel on a regular basis and making cozy nests out of tissue paper, Vasylyna also loved to travel. So when she managed to find a cheap flight to Chicago from Kyiv, she had to jump at the chance. But as is often the case, her trip did not go as planned.

About two hours into the 11-hour flight, a flight attendant went on the intercom, announced that the pilot was suffering from a heart attack, and asked if there was a doctor on board who could help. When nobody responded, Vasylyna, who had a degree in economics but absolutely no medical training, decided she had nothing to lose. She was taken into the cockpit where she administered CPR and successfully revived the pilot. As this was going on, the panic-stricken co-pilot began to hyperventilate. Vasylyna handed him a paper bag and instructed him to get some rest. With nobody piloting the plane, it began to descend rapidly. As it was about to plunge into the Atlantic Ocean, the hamster grabbed the throttle and brought the plane up and under control.

Around nine hours later, Vasylyna approached the airport and successfully landed the aircraft. The 200 passengers burst out into applause and the city mayor was on the tarmac ready to welcome the heroic hamster.

"Welcome to Chicago and O'Hare Airport," said the mayor, "Here are the Keys to the City. We are officially declaring today Vasylyna Day in your honor!" That's when Vasylyna realized her terrible mistake: she had landed at the wrong Chicago airport. The flight was supposed to arrive at Chicago Midway. When she pointed this out, everybody felt let down. "You should be ashamed of yourself!" called out somebody from the crowd. The mayor was as disappointed as the rest. "You can keep the key, but because of your irresponsible actions, Vasylyna Day will be cut to 6 p.m after which it will just be a regular day again."

As the crowd began to quietly disperse, Hector the Squirrel approached Vasylyna with a floret of broccoli, which he handed to her. "Listen, we all make mistakes. Yesterday I forgot about a cake in the oven, and by the time I realized this, it was basically a charred brick. So I feel for you. You'll do better next time." As Vasylyna munched on the delicious broccoli floret, she thanked him and agreed that the sun would come up tomorrow. Unless it rained or whatever.

An Unexpected Trip

Once upon a time there was a girl named Oksana. She had only one dream in life: to visit Budapest. So she contacted a travel agency, signed up for one of their weekend packages and went to their office to pay. That's when things got a bit sketchy.

The agent explained the plan: "The first step is to smuggle you into the country. To accomplish this, we will hide you in a large, brown cardboard box. It will feature climate control technology so that you neither feel too hot nor too cold. You will need to remain silent throughout the journey. We will supply you with a box of saltine crackers and a 0.5L bottle of sparkling water. In order to prevent the customs agents from opening the box and discovering you, we will attach a sign that says 'Do not open.'"

"Um..excuse me?" Oksana wasn't sure about this.

The agent continued: "Once you get to Budapest, we will arrange for you to live with a Hungarian grandfather. You will cook and clean for him. You will also be asked to read the news to him as he has poor eyesight. You will also need to describe scenes from movies as he has no time to watch them himself. You'll get a closet-sized bedroom to yourself with one of those hidden wall beds. You will be supplied with candles to give you light at night. The Hungarian grandfather has a grandson named László. When he turns 18, you will be united with him in Holy Matrimony. He's 12 now, but in 6 years he will grow into a man who will one day be responsible for punishing your children."

"What does that mean?" asked Oksana.

"He will be a very strict father.," explained the agent. "He will measure his love for your children by a number of potatoes they harvest. But he will be fair and just."

"I think there is some kind of mistake. I signed up for a weekend package. I'm not sure what all this stuff about being smuggled into the country, living with a Hungarian grandfather and marrying László is about."

"You are Oksana, right?"

"Yeah," she replied.

"Oksana Vlasuk?"

"Yep. But I'm not going to Hungary in a cardboard box."

"Oksana Anna Vlasuk?"

"No. My middle name is Diana"

"Ooh!!! My face is so red right now. I got you confused with another customer. So anyway, yeah, we have your train ticket and hotel accommodations taken care of..."

"You know, I think I would like to look around at some other travel agencies."

"Fair enough. If you change your mind, come back and see us."

"Um...yeah. Sure..." Oksana slowly backed away, walked out the door and ran off.

Tanya Finds Herself in a Really Dark Place

Tanya is an ambitious duck with a long bucket list. Among them are climbing to the top of Olympus Mons (the tallest mountain in the solar system), winning a Nobel Peace Prize for being the most peaceful person ever, taking part the Eurovision singing competition while simultaneously representing every country (because of her immense talent), and baking cookies that she can share with her friends (yum!). She decided baking cookies would be the best way to start. So one Saturday she canceled her mountain-climbing fitness routine, yoga class, and voice lessons so that she could devote the day to baking the tastiest cookies ever.

Once she had finished, it was time for the Moment of Truth. She took her cookie basket (purchased specifically for this occasion), filled it with her freshly-baked cookies, and began knocking on her friends' doors and engaging with patrons at the park.

"Good afternoon, Nadia! Would you like to try one of my cookies?" Nadia (a turkey if you care to know) thought about it for a moment and then gave Tanya a wink. Tanya handed out the rest of the cookies to Vova the Goose, Tanya the Swan, Tanya the Pigeon, Viktor the Rooster, and Tanya the Duckbilled Platypus (Tanya is a common name in this town if you haven't noticed). She returned home satisfied that she had completed her first major accomplishment. Unfortunately, these good feelings would not last. That evening while watching TV Tanya suddenly heard a lot of commotion outside her home. Chickens were clicking, geese were honking, and duckbilled platypuses were platypusing or whatever. She went out to investigate.

"What is going on???" She asked. Viktor the Rooster decided to speak on behalf of the clearly agitated group. "Your cookies...they were the worst ever. So we've come to make sure you never make them again." "Wait, what? Were my cookies really that terrible?" Tanya looked at the other birds (as well as at Tanya the Platypus since she obviously isn't a bird) and they nodded their heads solemnly. They marched into the kitchen and Vova the Goose unplugged the oven. As they were about to leave, Tanya the Swan turned back and kicked the oven with her little swan foot. It didn't have any impact whatsoever, but she sure felt good doing it.

After they left, Tanya (the main duck character, not any of the other Tanyas. Apologies for any confusion) felt a bit sad. She happened to have left one cookie in the basket, so she gave it a try. It tasted terrible and she felt so ashamed that she decided to retreat from society. "I need some time for deep reflection. I must amend my ways and become a better duck. But most of all, I need to figure out what the hell went wrong with those cookies." So she deleted her Facebook account, packed a small bag containing only the essentials (a few books, some popcorn and a pack of cigarettes) and moved into a cave on the other side of the pond.

After a couple hours of sitting in the cave, Tanya became super bored and decided to check out Netflix. It's a good thing she brought her computer and Wi-Fi router, eh? Oh, and the decision to bring the popcorn suddenly made sense. In the middle of watching House of Cards, Tanya could feel that there was another presence in the cave. She turned her head and standing above her was a bear! Presumably a friendly one as he gave her a "thumbs up."

"Hello, Mister Bear. I don't mean to intrude. See, I made a terrible mistake. I had baked some cookies to give to my neighbors, but they totally hated them and I can't blame them..."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I'll tell you what. Why don't you use my oven to make some more and we'll solve this problem together." Mister Bear took Tanya's hand (well, wing, actually) and led her to the kitchen where she whipped up a batch of her awful cookies. Her new bear friend took a bite...and agreed that something was not right. So he whispered a solution into Tanya's ear so as to not give away the ending to the story. She scratched her chin and agreed that he was probably right. Then they watched a movie together in 3D. It's a good thing Tanya had brought two pairs of 3D glasses.

The next morning Tanya returned to her home, replugged her oven and made some more cookies, but this time she added a very special ingredient. Just like the previous day, she began handing them out to the others. At first, her friends were hesitant to try them seeing that the previous experience had totally ruined their day. But Viktor said, "We must be brave. We must remain strong. We will try these cookies." So they did...and after a brief dramatic pause, the birds burst into thunderous applause. "Wow. I mean...these are the most amazing cookies ever," declared Tanya the Pigeon, "what is your secret?"

"Well, the missing ingredient was love. I didn't put enough care and dedication into yesterday's cookies. Love makes all the difference."
"Um...and I suppose you added sugar this time," Vova interjected.
"Yeah, that too. I had totally forgotten that step yesterday. My bad."

THE END??? YES, THE END!

Natalia the Flower Becomes a Viral Sensation

There was once (and continues to be) a flower named Natalia. She lived a carefree life in a garden in Lviv with her best friend Irusya Kukusya the Butterfly and their friend Timur the Frog. But one day Timur unexpectedly ate Irusya, triggering a series of events that would change Natalia's life forever.

"Why would you do that, Timur? Irusya was my best friend!" Natalia was very sad.

"Yeah, on the surface this might seem to be a strange thing to do. She was even the godmother of my first child. But I was hungry, and I'm a frog. So..." 

"That's a reasonable explanation. But I still feel super sad. There is only one way for me to move on. It is time for me to leave the garden,"declared Natalia. But where would she go? Samoa? Brazi? Uzbekistan? She decided she would spin a globe and where ever her finger landed on, she would move there. So she gave it a spin...and it landed on Zhytomyr. "Well, I certainly can't go there! I will try again." So she did...and her finger chose Sumy. "I guess this is fate," she stated plaintively. 

So Natalia bought a one-way ticket to Sumy. As everybody knows, once you buy a one-way ticket, you can never go back because that's how narrative logic works. About one hour into the journey, Natalia couldn't help but notice that a fellow traveler (a rabbit in this case) kept glancing over at her from across the aisle.

"What is your deal?" Natalia asked. 

"Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude. Are you a pop singer by some chance? Because you totally have the look." The rabbit introduced himself as Andriy and handed Natalia his business card. "I am a manager in the entertainment industry. Do you know how to sing?"

"Well, I used to sing in the garden sometimes with Irusya Kukusya and Timur. But Timur ate Irusya and that was the saddest thing ever."

Andriy shot Natalia an awkward, confused look. "Hmm. Well, anyway I would like to represent you. I'll help you become the biggest K-Pop star ever."

"What is K-Pop?" asked Natalia. 

"It's a genre of pop music that is popular in South Korea."

"But I don't know how to sing in Korean. In fact, I don't have any singing talent at all!"

"Too late. The concert is tomorrow. I've already booked the airplane tickets. Oh, and it looks like we've sold out all the seats at the stadium."

So the next evening Natalia made her concert debut in Seoul. As she came on stage, a crowd of 60,000 cheered wildly. She had one little problem though: she hadn't rehearsed, much less come up with a catalog of songs of sing. So thinking quickly, she chose "Roar" by Katy Perry from the playlist on her phone and tried to sing along with her microphone. The audience booed loudly in disapproval. One even tossed a tomato that just barely missed Natalia's head. Not sure what to do, the flower put down the microphone and did a little dance before walking off stage. 

Backstage, Andriy was in a panic. "What on Earth was that?!?! The sponsors have decided to cancel the rest of the tour. Thanks to you, my career has a manager is ruined!" 

As Natalia took a lonely stroll around the streets of Seoul, an odd thing happened. Upon seeing her, people would begin freaking out and asking for autographs and selfies with her. She looked at a news report through the window of an electronics shop. It was about her dance, which had been captured by camera phone and uploaded onto YouTube. 

"It's already received 5 billion views," explained one of her new fans. "You are the biggest viral star in history!"

All of a sudden, Natalia was getting calls from the Kardashian sisters to go on shopping sprees. Justin Bieber was begging her to marry him. Even President Trump couldn't stop Tweeting about her! Natalia would host wild and crazy parties in Queen Elizabeth's garden. But with this new fame came tremendous consequences. Natalia finally hit rock bottom: she became addicted to apple juice.

Finally, Natalia sent out this tweet: "I can't handle this fame anymore. I'm moving back to my quiet garden in Lviv. Sorry."

When she arrived home, she gave Timur a big hug. "It's nice to see you again, Natalia. I have a big surprise for you!" With that, Irusya Kukusya crawled out! She was alive...even if not entirely well. One of her wings was missing. And her left foot was gone. "Yeah, Timur decided I didn't taste very good. So he spit me out. Kind of sucks that I can't fly anymore. But anyway, what's new? What were you up to while you were gone?"

"Oh, if only you knew," Natalia said while giving a sneaky wink. 

That should have been the end of the story, but Timur was like, "Oh, we know that you were a YouTube viral superstar. Lviv lives in the 21st century too."

With that, they all began to laugh. And then Timur spit out Kukusya's left foot. 

Daria's Sneaky Idea

One upon a time, Daria and Maryna were sitting on the sofa watching Eurovision. It was an epic singing competition to determine once and forever who was the most talented country: Moldova or Liechtenstein. Daria couldn't help but notice Maryna munching on a plate of pickled tomatoes. "Those pickled tomatoes look super tasty," said Daria. "Think I could have one?"
"Oh, Daria. I really wish I could share. But I'm having some financial difficulties right now. If only there were a way for me to make some extra money. Then I would be able to spare a few of these pickled tomatoes."
"Well, actually, I have an idea. Space tourism. We'll send vacationers to Mars for a week or three. We just need to build a rocket. And a few resorts, I suppose. If I can have 45 minutes of your time, I would like to show you my entire PowerPoint presentation."
"Oh my!" exclaimed Maryna after seeing the entire plan. "Let's get started. We need a website. We need to put out an announcement. We will be so rich that we will be able to burn money in the fireplace to stay warm in the winter."

DO YOU ENJOY TRAVELING? HOW ABOUT RELAXING AT 3-STAR RESORTS? IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO BOTH QUESTIONS, DO WE HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU! WE ARE ORGANIZING A TRIP TO MARS AND WOULD LIKE YOU TO JOIN! ALL MEALS WILL BE PROVIDED BOTH DURING THE ROCKET JOURNEY AND WHEN YOU ARRIVE AT THE RESORT. ONLY $20,000. BUT ACT FAST! THERE IS LIMITED ROOM ON THE ROCKET. ALSO, PLEASE BRING YOUR OWN SPACE SUITS.

A week later, 22 space adventurers showed up in front of the Lviv Opera House to begin the journey. They were all wearing improvised space suits. One had wrapped himself in aluminum foil. Another wore a cardboard box with NASA drawn onto it. A third had a fishbowl on his head. The girls collected their money and handed each of them a ponchik as a snack. That's when things hit a snag. "Maryna," whispered Daria, "we forgot about the rocket ship." Thinking very quickly, Daria attached some paper wings onto a nearby Lada. "There's the, um, rocket. Have a safe journey!" Daria and Maryna ran away, laughing at their clever scheme.

A few weeks later the girls were sitting on a large pile of money while watching Disney's Frozen as Maryna ate a plate of pickled onions. "I wonder what our customers thought about the Mars vacation," Daryna thought.
"Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's take a look at the reviews."
The girls checked out the reviews on their website and were shocked to discover that most of the customers had given them 5-star reviews with a few 4-star reviews as well. One of the tourists had given it 2-stars because she felt the chicken served for dinner was a bit too dry.
"What??? They actually made it to Mars? There were resorts up there? How is this possible?" asked Maryna.
"Okay, I have a confession. I felt guilty about just taking their money. So I quickly sent some construction workers up there to build a resort. I also sent some restaurant and hotel staff."
"Oh, that is the nicest thing anybody has ever done. Here, have a pickled onion."
"Thanks, but actually giving me a pickled onion is the nicest thing anybody has ever done."
The girls laughed and laughed and laughed. All...evening...long.

THE END

Lidia Starts Her New Life

Once upon a time, there was a Ukrainian girl named Lidia. She would often tell her friends things like, "Someday you will knock on my door and I won't answer. When that happens, it means I've gone off to find happiness and will never return." Her friends had mixed feelings about that. On one hand, they wanted her to be happy. But on the other hand, they sort of liked how at the end of the day she would always be home since it meant they could use her Playstation 4. But anyway, this story is getting off topic.


According to Lidia's philosophy, the best parties are the ones that you can't remember the next day. If this is true, April 24th 2016 was the best day ever. It all started when Lidia went to a nightclub with some friends in the evening. She had a few drinks - okay, more than just a few - and she danced as if she were a contestant on a TV show. But she wasn't. She was at Club Metro and instead of an audience, there was just a bunch of weird drunk people. After a while, things got a bit hazy.

When Lidia woke up the next morning, she found herself laying on top of a floating sheet of ice in the middle of what she assumed must have been the Antarctic Ocean. She had no idea how she ended up there, and yet at the same time she wasn't entirely surprised. Lidia and the sheet of ice managed to reach land, and she spent the rest of the afternoon exploring. Once she found a suitable spot to settle, she built a little igloo for herself. She also managed to make an iPad out of ice, but then realized it would be useless since there wasn't a WiFi connection anywhere.

One day while staring at the mountains of snow (which was the only interesting activity in Antarctica) Lidia had a strange feeling like she was being watched...and then realized she was! Three penguins were hiding behind a large block of ice, but one of them blew their cover by sneezing. They waddled away the way penguins do and returned to their home to inform the other penguins about what they saw. They argued over what to do. Some of the penguins thought Lidia looked nice enough and thought they should invite her to their colony. Others were not so sure. So they decided to give Lidia a test known as the Fish of Friendship.

The three penguins returned to Lidia's igloo with a large, raw fish. As they sat in a circle, one of the penguins took a bite and then passed the fish off to Lidia. She was reluctant, but she knew she had to make a good impression. So she took a large bite and swallowed. The penguins let out a cheer and ushered her off to their colony.

Months passed and Lidia had fully immersed herself in penguin culture. She learned to walk, talk and swim like a penguin. She was also invited to sing at the Penguin Prince's wedding. But one day a helicopter was seen overhead. It was a rescue mission! A Special Operations Force exited the helicopter, tied Lidia up and off they flew. For good measure they launched a missile at her igloo and blew it up.

Lidia had great difficulty adjusting to life back in Khmelnytskyi. Her friends tried to make her feel at home by filling her bathtub with ice and tossing fish at her. But it wasn't the same. She missed the penguin life. One morning her friends knocked on her door, but there was no answer. "Oh my. It's really happened. Lidia is gone. She has found happiness." Her friends cried, feeling happy that she had found her way in life, but feeling sad because she still owed them $40.

Oleh the Plum Wishes He Had Been Born a Pineapple

Once upon a time, there was a plum named Oleh. He lived a quiet, boring life in a village in central Ukraine but had always hoped for more. Sure, it was sort of exciting to watch cars pass by from time to time. And if it was Tuesday afternoon, fist fights between drunken villagers were almost certain to take place. But...meh. Life sucked for Oleh the Plum.

"I  wish I had been born a pineapple. My life would have been so much more exciting," he said plaintively. Suddenly he heard a mysterious voice off in the distance. "Don't say that, Oleh. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side. You should appreciate your life as a village plum."

A plum with wings appeared. Oleh's mouth dropped open. "Oh my. Are you my guardian angel???"

"Yeah, something like that. I'm Ivan and I've come to show you what life would have been like if you had been born a pineapple. Take my hand. We've got places to go." With that, Oleh the Plum was whisked off to an alternative reality in which he had been born a pineapple.

"Oh wow! Where are we? Florida??? Are you telling me that if I had been born a pineapple I'd be living in Florida?" Oleh couldn't believe what he was seeing; the bright sun, a bunch of bright, optimistic party-goers, and crystal blue water.

"Yes. But don't forget that Florida gets all sorts of hurricanes and stuff," Ivan pointed out.

"Oh. That's not good. Would I have to deal with that kind of thing all the time?" asked Oleh.

"Nah. You'd be in Orlando, which never gets hit."

"So why would you even bring it up then?"

"Okay fine. But Orlando gets super hot. And the humidity is terrible."

"Right. But there are bodies of water. And Disney World. And air conditioning. So who cares?"

"Sometimes air conditioners break..." Ivan said grimly.

Oleh rolled his eyes. "I think I would manage. So what are you going to show me next?"

"We're going to an exclusive nightclub. So exclusive that they only allow beautiful fruits inside."

"Ouch. Am I an ugly pineapple who gets turned away from the door with a sneer?"

"Nope. Every time you show up, they immediately whisk you to the VIP room. In fact, the staff have been instructed to not serve anybody alcohol until you arrive. As everybody knows, the party doesn't truly start until Oleh the Pineapple makes an appearance."

"What the hell? If you're trying to convince me that my life is so much better as a plum, you're failing so far."

"Oh my!!! Look at what the pineapple version of you is doing right now!" Ivan points at Oleh the Pineapple who is ingesting some ecstasy pills.

"Whoa! Do I overdose and die terribly and tragically on the filthy bathroom floor of the nightclub while other patrons walk over my pineapple carcass with drunken indifference???"

"Nope. You have an awesome time, actually. You never do ecstasy again, but you don't have any regrets about giving it a try. By the way, the pineapple you is married to one of the most beautiful oranges in the world."

"Ivan, are you some kind of troll? Are you just trying to make me feel more miserable than I already do? You suck as a guardian angel."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, the pineapple version of me lives an even more amazing life than the pineapple you. Now let's go back to the village and watch some random fist fights. What do you think?"

Oleh agreed that it would be a pretty good idea.