Once upon a time, there was a girl named Anna who worked as a manager at a dumpling factory. She was very good at her job. She was industrious. She was very brave. She also had the largest eyes ever because she was an owl. However, the factory workers feared her because if they didn't make 1000 dumplings per shift, she threatened to make spiders come out of their ears. That was her magical power, you see. Anyway, for this reason, nobody had ever made less than 1000 dumplings per shift because, well, the idea of spiders coming out of their ears sounded unpleasant.
One early evening as the workday ended, Anna discovered that one of her workers – Solomiya the Squirrel - had only produced 999 dumplings! Angry at this discovery, Anna's already large eyes grew even bigger!
“Solomiya! I demand an explanation for you missing the daily quota!”
"Are you sure? I am absolutely positive that I made 1,000. I've never made any less than that!"
"Yes, I guarantee there are only 999. In fact, I counted them 12 times to be sure."
“Please...please, forgive me. I really thought I had made 1000 dumplings.” Solomiya was on the verge of tears.
“You know,” said Anna, “I could use my magical powers and make spiders come out of your ears.” “Yes, I know. But you won't, right?”
“That's right. I would never do such a thing.”
Everybody in the factory cheered and agreed that Anna was the nicest manager ever! As a sign of gratitude, Viktor the little elephant handed Anna a bag of fresh dumplings.
“Oh, thank you,” said Anna. She tried a piece and immediately spit it out. “That was absolutely disgusting! Yikes! Do all of the dumplings in our factor taste like this???”
“Well, yeah. It's a terrible recipe. Nobody likes them,” confessed Viktor the penguin.
“Why didn't anybody tell me???” asked Anna.
“Because we were afraid you would make spider come out of our ears,” said Olga the Turtle.
Everybody nodded in shame. There was a moment of tension before Anna finally said, “Oh! Well, I suppose that's a really good reason not to tell me!” Then everybody laughed and laughed and laughed. Then this story came to an end.
Saturday, December 14, 2019
Monday, March 18, 2019
Just Another Typical Story
Having a snake as a pet had always been something that appealed to Volodya. Unfortunately, his wife Yulia never warmed up to the idea. However, some unexpected circumstances would change this equation: the night that Yulia was abducted by aliens and failed to return. Though he felt pretty disappointed about the situation, Volodya understood that it was time to move on. So he went to the pet store and brought home a ball python, known for their relatively long lifespans. He named it Volodya Jr., if you care to know.
It was feeding time for Volodya Jr., so his adopted father went out and bought him a (presumably) delicious live mouse. Not wanting to witness the carnage or the mouse's squeaks of desperation, he tossed the mouse into the snake tank and left the room for a while. When he returned, he was surprised to find a snake skeleton...and a mouse with a large belly and satisfied look on his face.
"What happened to my son?" a confused Volodya asked.
"Well, he was hungry," replied the mouse, "but I was hungrier so I ate him before he could eat me. Simple as that. You've lost a pet snake, but you've gained a mouse. That's not a bad trade off, eh?"
"So...does that mean I need to feed you a diet of snakes every time?"
"Yep."
Volodya is somebody who is quick to accept any situation, so he named the mouse Ivan and welcomed him to the family. They exchanged fist bumps.
When it was time for dinner, Volodya went out and bought the largest, tastiest looking live snake he could find. But when he placed it in the tank for Ivan to eat, the snake had different ideas. He quickly swallowed Ivan and Volodya was back to having a pet snake. Think of it as a reset. He named him Volodya Jr. II as a tribute to the first Volodya Jr.
A few days passed and Volodya Jr. II was feeling hungry again, so Volodya headed to the pet supply store to find a mouse. When he got home he took a deep breath, put the mouse in the tank, and watched the events unfold. What happened next was nothing short of astonishing. Turns out, the mouse and Volodya Jr. II both shared a passion for 1980s rock music, especially Guns 'N Roses. When the mouse wailed out a cover version of "Welcome to the Jungle," the snake realized right then and there that they had become best friends.
Volodya just shook his head and was about to say something zany like, "I should have just bought a pet goldfish" when all of a sudden a blue beam of light appeared and Linda had returned! Frankly, the story that she shared with him about the alien abduction was a million times more interesting than what you've just read.
THE END
It was feeding time for Volodya Jr., so his adopted father went out and bought him a (presumably) delicious live mouse. Not wanting to witness the carnage or the mouse's squeaks of desperation, he tossed the mouse into the snake tank and left the room for a while. When he returned, he was surprised to find a snake skeleton...and a mouse with a large belly and satisfied look on his face.
"What happened to my son?" a confused Volodya asked.
"Well, he was hungry," replied the mouse, "but I was hungrier so I ate him before he could eat me. Simple as that. You've lost a pet snake, but you've gained a mouse. That's not a bad trade off, eh?"
"So...does that mean I need to feed you a diet of snakes every time?"
"Yep."
Volodya is somebody who is quick to accept any situation, so he named the mouse Ivan and welcomed him to the family. They exchanged fist bumps.
When it was time for dinner, Volodya went out and bought the largest, tastiest looking live snake he could find. But when he placed it in the tank for Ivan to eat, the snake had different ideas. He quickly swallowed Ivan and Volodya was back to having a pet snake. Think of it as a reset. He named him Volodya Jr. II as a tribute to the first Volodya Jr.
A few days passed and Volodya Jr. II was feeling hungry again, so Volodya headed to the pet supply store to find a mouse. When he got home he took a deep breath, put the mouse in the tank, and watched the events unfold. What happened next was nothing short of astonishing. Turns out, the mouse and Volodya Jr. II both shared a passion for 1980s rock music, especially Guns 'N Roses. When the mouse wailed out a cover version of "Welcome to the Jungle," the snake realized right then and there that they had become best friends.
Volodya just shook his head and was about to say something zany like, "I should have just bought a pet goldfish" when all of a sudden a blue beam of light appeared and Linda had returned! Frankly, the story that she shared with him about the alien abduction was a million times more interesting than what you've just read.
THE END
Sunday, April 22, 2018
The Legend of Diana the Impossible
There was a story going around about a girl from Khust who was impossible. But as a reputable journalist I needed evidence, so I set up an interview with her at a cafe. When she arrived, she was wearing normal clothes and her hairstyle was nothing out of the ordinary. I observed her as she ordered a coffee. It wasn't anything weird either. No orange mocha Frappuccinos or whatever. Just a regular latte with a spoon of sugar. She lived in a regular apartment. She had a normal job. She exhibited no behaviors that I would describe as extraordinary. Finally, at the end of the interview as we were saying our goodbyes, I said, "Listen, Diana, you are undoubtedly a nice girl. But I see no reason to believe you are impossible."
Diana replied, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Then she opened her umbrella and took off high into the sky until she disappeared into the clouds.
THE END
Monday, January 29, 2018
The Goat Across the Street
When I moved into a new apartment right before my final year of college, things were generally uneventful - at least initially. On Tuesday and Thursday mornings I was taking an extremely difficult law class and it required a lot of studying. It was killing me. But little did I realize that my life was about to get worse.
One morning as I left my apartment to go to class, I spotted a goat across the street in the park. It was tethered to a tree and eating grass. As I walked along the sidewalk, our eyes met. I turned my head away and tried not to think anything of it. But after a few meters, I looked back at the thing again. It was glaring at me with its cold, goaty eyes. The feeling made me uneasy. I reached the end of the street and was about to turn right, but against my better judgement I decided to look back at the goat one last time. Its eyes were still fixed on me. I peed myself. Though embarrassing, you would have done the exact same thing.
As I was walking home later in the day, I braced myself as I turned the corner, expecting to see the goat still there. But he was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief. However, this feeling was only temporary. The next morning as I headed out the door, I saw that the goat had returned. Still tethered to the tree. Eating grass. Staring at me. It had murder on its mind, I was certain of this. I was terrified, but I could not let the goat know this. I had to be brave. To demonstrate to the goat that I would not be intimidated, I pointed at it and said, "Your horns look sooooo stupid!" And then I ran away like hell.
This terrible situation went on for days. Weeks. Months. It was the same thing every morning. The goat...would...not...stop...staring at me!!! It was driving me mad. As the end of the semester approached, I was still struggling in my law class. Not needing any unnecessary distractions, I decided it was time to resolve my differences with the goat. So one morning I took a deep breath and walked outside with a bucket of vegetables as a peace offering. To my great surprise, the goat wasn't there! I let out a loud cheer and began laughing like a maniac. Victory was mine!!! I had won the battle of wills. Or so I thought.
As I was coming home after my lectures, I felt wonderful. I had a bounce in my step. But as I got closer to my apartment the anxiety began to set in. Oh, not because of the goat or anything. After all, the goat only appeared in the mornings. And obviously the goat was gone. That was all in the past now. Yesterday's news. The stress was over the fact that I had a major law paper to write. Twenty pages. It was going to take all night. Even if I managed to turn it in, there was no guarantee that I would pass the course. To my horror, as I turned the corner onto my street, I saw that dreadful goat from a distance! In the afternoon??? Impossible!!! I opened the front door to my apartment, but before I went in I turned around and yelled, "You cannot win, my arch nemesis!" Then I slammed the door. I went to my bedroom to start working on my law assignment. When I turned on my computer, I noticed an unfamiliar file. When I opened it, I was shocked to discover a complete, 20-page law paper!!! It was formatted perfectly and well-researched. I couldn't believe it. Who could have done such a thing? When I looked out the window, the goat paused from eating grass, gave a wink and casually walked away. That was the last time I would ever see it.
One morning as I left my apartment to go to class, I spotted a goat across the street in the park. It was tethered to a tree and eating grass. As I walked along the sidewalk, our eyes met. I turned my head away and tried not to think anything of it. But after a few meters, I looked back at the thing again. It was glaring at me with its cold, goaty eyes. The feeling made me uneasy. I reached the end of the street and was about to turn right, but against my better judgement I decided to look back at the goat one last time. Its eyes were still fixed on me. I peed myself. Though embarrassing, you would have done the exact same thing.
As I was walking home later in the day, I braced myself as I turned the corner, expecting to see the goat still there. But he was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief. However, this feeling was only temporary. The next morning as I headed out the door, I saw that the goat had returned. Still tethered to the tree. Eating grass. Staring at me. It had murder on its mind, I was certain of this. I was terrified, but I could not let the goat know this. I had to be brave. To demonstrate to the goat that I would not be intimidated, I pointed at it and said, "Your horns look sooooo stupid!" And then I ran away like hell.
This terrible situation went on for days. Weeks. Months. It was the same thing every morning. The goat...would...not...stop...staring at me!!! It was driving me mad. As the end of the semester approached, I was still struggling in my law class. Not needing any unnecessary distractions, I decided it was time to resolve my differences with the goat. So one morning I took a deep breath and walked outside with a bucket of vegetables as a peace offering. To my great surprise, the goat wasn't there! I let out a loud cheer and began laughing like a maniac. Victory was mine!!! I had won the battle of wills. Or so I thought.
As I was coming home after my lectures, I felt wonderful. I had a bounce in my step. But as I got closer to my apartment the anxiety began to set in. Oh, not because of the goat or anything. After all, the goat only appeared in the mornings. And obviously the goat was gone. That was all in the past now. Yesterday's news. The stress was over the fact that I had a major law paper to write. Twenty pages. It was going to take all night. Even if I managed to turn it in, there was no guarantee that I would pass the course. To my horror, as I turned the corner onto my street, I saw that dreadful goat from a distance! In the afternoon??? Impossible!!! I opened the front door to my apartment, but before I went in I turned around and yelled, "You cannot win, my arch nemesis!" Then I slammed the door. I went to my bedroom to start working on my law assignment. When I turned on my computer, I noticed an unfamiliar file. When I opened it, I was shocked to discover a complete, 20-page law paper!!! It was formatted perfectly and well-researched. I couldn't believe it. Who could have done such a thing? When I looked out the window, the goat paused from eating grass, gave a wink and casually walked away. That was the last time I would ever see it.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Vasylyna's Not-So-Smooth Journey
Once upon a time there was a hamster named Vasylyna. Aside from using her hamster wheel on a regular basis and making cozy nests out of tissue paper, Vasylyna also loved to travel. So when she managed to find a cheap flight to Chicago from Kyiv, she had to jump at the chance. But as is often the case, her trip did not go as planned.
About two hours into the 11-hour flight, a flight attendant went on the intercom, announced that the pilot was suffering from a heart attack, and asked if there was a doctor on board who could help. When nobody responded, Vasylyna, who had a degree in economics but absolutely no medical training, decided she had nothing to lose. She was taken into the cockpit where she administered CPR and successfully revived the pilot. As this was going on, the panic-stricken co-pilot began to hyperventilate. Vasylyna handed him a paper bag and instructed him to get some rest. With nobody piloting the plane, it began to descend rapidly. As it was about to plunge into the Atlantic Ocean, the hamster grabbed the throttle and brought the plane up and under control.
Around nine hours later, Vasylyna approached the airport and successfully landed the aircraft. The 200 passengers burst out into applause and the city mayor was on the tarmac ready to welcome the heroic hamster.
"Welcome to Chicago and O'Hare Airport," said the mayor, "Here are the Keys to the City. We are officially declaring today Vasylyna Day in your honor!" That's when Vasylyna realized her terrible mistake: she had landed at the wrong Chicago airport. The flight was supposed to arrive at Chicago Midway. When she pointed this out, everybody felt let down. "You should be ashamed of yourself!" called out somebody from the crowd. The mayor was as disappointed as the rest. "You can keep the key, but because of your irresponsible actions, Vasylyna Day will be cut to 6 p.m after which it will just be a regular day again."
As the crowd began to quietly disperse, Hector the Squirrel approached Vasylyna with a floret of broccoli, which he handed to her. "Listen, we all make mistakes. Yesterday I forgot about a cake in the oven, and by the time I realized this, it was basically a charred brick. So I feel for you. You'll do better next time." As Vasylyna munched on the delicious broccoli floret, she thanked him and agreed that the sun would come up tomorrow. Unless it rained or whatever.
About two hours into the 11-hour flight, a flight attendant went on the intercom, announced that the pilot was suffering from a heart attack, and asked if there was a doctor on board who could help. When nobody responded, Vasylyna, who had a degree in economics but absolutely no medical training, decided she had nothing to lose. She was taken into the cockpit where she administered CPR and successfully revived the pilot. As this was going on, the panic-stricken co-pilot began to hyperventilate. Vasylyna handed him a paper bag and instructed him to get some rest. With nobody piloting the plane, it began to descend rapidly. As it was about to plunge into the Atlantic Ocean, the hamster grabbed the throttle and brought the plane up and under control.
Around nine hours later, Vasylyna approached the airport and successfully landed the aircraft. The 200 passengers burst out into applause and the city mayor was on the tarmac ready to welcome the heroic hamster.
"Welcome to Chicago and O'Hare Airport," said the mayor, "Here are the Keys to the City. We are officially declaring today Vasylyna Day in your honor!" That's when Vasylyna realized her terrible mistake: she had landed at the wrong Chicago airport. The flight was supposed to arrive at Chicago Midway. When she pointed this out, everybody felt let down. "You should be ashamed of yourself!" called out somebody from the crowd. The mayor was as disappointed as the rest. "You can keep the key, but because of your irresponsible actions, Vasylyna Day will be cut to 6 p.m after which it will just be a regular day again."
As the crowd began to quietly disperse, Hector the Squirrel approached Vasylyna with a floret of broccoli, which he handed to her. "Listen, we all make mistakes. Yesterday I forgot about a cake in the oven, and by the time I realized this, it was basically a charred brick. So I feel for you. You'll do better next time." As Vasylyna munched on the delicious broccoli floret, she thanked him and agreed that the sun would come up tomorrow. Unless it rained or whatever.
Friday, June 23, 2017
An Unexpected Trip
Once upon a time there was a girl named Oksana. She had only one dream in life: to visit Budapest. So she contacted a travel agency, signed up for one of their weekend packages and went to their office to pay. That's when things got a bit sketchy.
The agent explained the plan: "The first step is to smuggle you into the country. To accomplish this, we will hide you in a large, brown cardboard box. It will feature climate control technology so that you neither feel too hot nor too cold. You will need to remain silent throughout the journey. We will supply you with a box of saltine crackers and a 0.5L bottle of sparkling water. In order to prevent the customs agents from opening the box and discovering you, we will attach a sign that says 'Do not open.'"
"Um..excuse me?" Oksana wasn't sure about this.
The agent continued: "Once you get to Budapest, we will arrange for you to live with a Hungarian grandfather. You will cook and clean for him. You will also be asked to read the news to him as he has poor eyesight. You will also need to describe scenes from movies as he has no time to watch them himself. You'll get a closet-sized bedroom to yourself with one of those hidden wall beds. You will be supplied with candles to give you light at night. The Hungarian grandfather has a grandson named László. When he turns 18, you will be united with him in Holy Matrimony. He's 12 now, but in 6 years he will grow into a man who will one day be responsible for punishing your children."
"What does that mean?" asked Oksana.
"He will be a very strict father.," explained the agent. "He will measure his love for your children by a number of potatoes they harvest. But he will be fair and just."
"I think there is some kind of mistake. I signed up for a weekend package. I'm not sure what all this stuff about being smuggled into the country, living with a Hungarian grandfather and marrying László is about."
"You are Oksana, right?"
"Yeah," she replied.
"Oksana Vlasuk?"
"Yep. But I'm not going to Hungary in a cardboard box."
"Oksana Anna Vlasuk?"
"No. My middle name is Diana"
"Ooh!!! My face is so red right now. I got you confused with another customer. So anyway, yeah, we have your train ticket and hotel accommodations taken care of..."
"You know, I think I would like to look around at some other travel agencies."
"Fair enough. If you change your mind, come back and see us."
"Um...yeah. Sure..." Oksana slowly backed away, walked out the door and ran off.
The agent explained the plan: "The first step is to smuggle you into the country. To accomplish this, we will hide you in a large, brown cardboard box. It will feature climate control technology so that you neither feel too hot nor too cold. You will need to remain silent throughout the journey. We will supply you with a box of saltine crackers and a 0.5L bottle of sparkling water. In order to prevent the customs agents from opening the box and discovering you, we will attach a sign that says 'Do not open.'"
"Um..excuse me?" Oksana wasn't sure about this.
The agent continued: "Once you get to Budapest, we will arrange for you to live with a Hungarian grandfather. You will cook and clean for him. You will also be asked to read the news to him as he has poor eyesight. You will also need to describe scenes from movies as he has no time to watch them himself. You'll get a closet-sized bedroom to yourself with one of those hidden wall beds. You will be supplied with candles to give you light at night. The Hungarian grandfather has a grandson named László. When he turns 18, you will be united with him in Holy Matrimony. He's 12 now, but in 6 years he will grow into a man who will one day be responsible for punishing your children."
"What does that mean?" asked Oksana.
"He will be a very strict father.," explained the agent. "He will measure his love for your children by a number of potatoes they harvest. But he will be fair and just."
"I think there is some kind of mistake. I signed up for a weekend package. I'm not sure what all this stuff about being smuggled into the country, living with a Hungarian grandfather and marrying László is about."
"You are Oksana, right?"
"Yeah," she replied.
"Oksana Vlasuk?"
"Yep. But I'm not going to Hungary in a cardboard box."
"Oksana Anna Vlasuk?"
"No. My middle name is Diana"
"Ooh!!! My face is so red right now. I got you confused with another customer. So anyway, yeah, we have your train ticket and hotel accommodations taken care of..."
"You know, I think I would like to look around at some other travel agencies."
"Fair enough. If you change your mind, come back and see us."
"Um...yeah. Sure..." Oksana slowly backed away, walked out the door and ran off.
Friday, June 16, 2017
Tanya Finds Herself in a Really Dark Place
Tanya is an ambitious duck with a long bucket list. Among them are climbing to the top of Olympus Mons (the tallest mountain in the solar system), winning a Nobel Peace Prize for being the most peaceful person ever, taking part the Eurovision singing competition while simultaneously representing every country (because of her immense talent), and baking cookies that she can share with her friends (yum!). She decided baking cookies would be the best way to start. So one Saturday she canceled her mountain-climbing fitness routine, yoga class, and voice lessons so that she could devote the day to baking the tastiest cookies ever.
Once she had finished, it was time for the Moment of Truth. She took her cookie basket (purchased specifically for this occasion), filled it with her freshly-baked cookies, and began knocking on her friends' doors and engaging with patrons at the park.
"Good afternoon, Nadia! Would you like to try one of my cookies?" Nadia (a turkey if you care to know) thought about it for a moment and then gave Tanya a wink. Tanya handed out the rest of the cookies to Vova the Goose, Tanya the Swan, Tanya the Pigeon, Viktor the Rooster, and Tanya the Duckbilled Platypus (Tanya is a common name in this town if you haven't noticed). She returned home satisfied that she had completed her first major accomplishment. Unfortunately, these good feelings would not last. That evening while watching TV Tanya suddenly heard a lot of commotion outside her home. Chickens were clicking, geese were honking, and duckbilled platypuses were platypusing or whatever. She went out to investigate.
"What is going on???" She asked. Viktor the Rooster decided to speak on behalf of the clearly agitated group. "Your cookies...they were the worst ever. So we've come to make sure you never make them again." "Wait, what? Were my cookies really that terrible?" Tanya looked at the other birds (as well as at Tanya the Platypus since she obviously isn't a bird) and they nodded their heads solemnly. They marched into the kitchen and Vova the Goose unplugged the oven. As they were about to leave, Tanya the Swan turned back and kicked the oven with her little swan foot. It didn't have any impact whatsoever, but she sure felt good doing it.
After they left, Tanya (the main duck character, not any of the other Tanyas. Apologies for any confusion) felt a bit sad. She happened to have left one cookie in the basket, so she gave it a try. It tasted terrible and she felt so ashamed that she decided to retreat from society. "I need some time for deep reflection. I must amend my ways and become a better duck. But most of all, I need to figure out what the hell went wrong with those cookies." So she deleted her Facebook account, packed a small bag containing only the essentials (a few books, some popcorn and a pack of cigarettes) and moved into a cave on the other side of the pond.
After a couple hours of sitting in the cave, Tanya became super bored and decided to check out Netflix. It's a good thing she brought her computer and Wi-Fi router, eh? Oh, and the decision to bring the popcorn suddenly made sense. In the middle of watching House of Cards, Tanya could feel that there was another presence in the cave. She turned her head and standing above her was a bear! Presumably a friendly one as he gave her a "thumbs up."
"Hello, Mister Bear. I don't mean to intrude. See, I made a terrible mistake. I had baked some cookies to give to my neighbors, but they totally hated them and I can't blame them..."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I'll tell you what. Why don't you use my oven to make some more and we'll solve this problem together." Mister Bear took Tanya's hand (well, wing, actually) and led her to the kitchen where she whipped up a batch of her awful cookies. Her new bear friend took a bite...and agreed that something was not right. So he whispered a solution into Tanya's ear so as to not give away the ending to the story. She scratched her chin and agreed that he was probably right. Then they watched a movie together in 3D. It's a good thing Tanya had brought two pairs of 3D glasses.
The next morning Tanya returned to her home, replugged her oven and made some more cookies, but this time she added a very special ingredient. Just like the previous day, she began handing them out to the others. At first, her friends were hesitant to try them seeing that the previous experience had totally ruined their day. But Viktor said, "We must be brave. We must remain strong. We will try these cookies." So they did...and after a brief dramatic pause, the birds burst into thunderous applause. "Wow. I mean...these are the most amazing cookies ever," declared Tanya the Pigeon, "what is your secret?"
"Well, the missing ingredient was love. I didn't put enough care and dedication into yesterday's cookies. Love makes all the difference."
"Um...and I suppose you added sugar this time," Vova interjected.
"Yeah, that too. I had totally forgotten that step yesterday. My bad."
THE END??? YES, THE END!
Once she had finished, it was time for the Moment of Truth. She took her cookie basket (purchased specifically for this occasion), filled it with her freshly-baked cookies, and began knocking on her friends' doors and engaging with patrons at the park.
"Good afternoon, Nadia! Would you like to try one of my cookies?" Nadia (a turkey if you care to know) thought about it for a moment and then gave Tanya a wink. Tanya handed out the rest of the cookies to Vova the Goose, Tanya the Swan, Tanya the Pigeon, Viktor the Rooster, and Tanya the Duckbilled Platypus (Tanya is a common name in this town if you haven't noticed). She returned home satisfied that she had completed her first major accomplishment. Unfortunately, these good feelings would not last. That evening while watching TV Tanya suddenly heard a lot of commotion outside her home. Chickens were clicking, geese were honking, and duckbilled platypuses were platypusing or whatever. She went out to investigate.
"What is going on???" She asked. Viktor the Rooster decided to speak on behalf of the clearly agitated group. "Your cookies...they were the worst ever. So we've come to make sure you never make them again." "Wait, what? Were my cookies really that terrible?" Tanya looked at the other birds (as well as at Tanya the Platypus since she obviously isn't a bird) and they nodded their heads solemnly. They marched into the kitchen and Vova the Goose unplugged the oven. As they were about to leave, Tanya the Swan turned back and kicked the oven with her little swan foot. It didn't have any impact whatsoever, but she sure felt good doing it.
After they left, Tanya (the main duck character, not any of the other Tanyas. Apologies for any confusion) felt a bit sad. She happened to have left one cookie in the basket, so she gave it a try. It tasted terrible and she felt so ashamed that she decided to retreat from society. "I need some time for deep reflection. I must amend my ways and become a better duck. But most of all, I need to figure out what the hell went wrong with those cookies." So she deleted her Facebook account, packed a small bag containing only the essentials (a few books, some popcorn and a pack of cigarettes) and moved into a cave on the other side of the pond.
After a couple hours of sitting in the cave, Tanya became super bored and decided to check out Netflix. It's a good thing she brought her computer and Wi-Fi router, eh? Oh, and the decision to bring the popcorn suddenly made sense. In the middle of watching House of Cards, Tanya could feel that there was another presence in the cave. She turned her head and standing above her was a bear! Presumably a friendly one as he gave her a "thumbs up."
"Hello, Mister Bear. I don't mean to intrude. See, I made a terrible mistake. I had baked some cookies to give to my neighbors, but they totally hated them and I can't blame them..."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I'll tell you what. Why don't you use my oven to make some more and we'll solve this problem together." Mister Bear took Tanya's hand (well, wing, actually) and led her to the kitchen where she whipped up a batch of her awful cookies. Her new bear friend took a bite...and agreed that something was not right. So he whispered a solution into Tanya's ear so as to not give away the ending to the story. She scratched her chin and agreed that he was probably right. Then they watched a movie together in 3D. It's a good thing Tanya had brought two pairs of 3D glasses.
The next morning Tanya returned to her home, replugged her oven and made some more cookies, but this time she added a very special ingredient. Just like the previous day, she began handing them out to the others. At first, her friends were hesitant to try them seeing that the previous experience had totally ruined their day. But Viktor said, "We must be brave. We must remain strong. We will try these cookies." So they did...and after a brief dramatic pause, the birds burst into thunderous applause. "Wow. I mean...these are the most amazing cookies ever," declared Tanya the Pigeon, "what is your secret?"
"Well, the missing ingredient was love. I didn't put enough care and dedication into yesterday's cookies. Love makes all the difference."
"Um...and I suppose you added sugar this time," Vova interjected.
"Yeah, that too. I had totally forgotten that step yesterday. My bad."
THE END??? YES, THE END!
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